DB’s Guide to picking and painting a 40K ARMY

  1. CHOOSE AN ARMY THAT FEELS LIKE A BAND YOU’D DIE IN/FOR

Forget the meta, forget what wins tournaments unless you’re the kind of soul-sucking spreadsheet ghoul who dreams in dice rolls. Pick an army like you’re forming a post-apocalyptic metal band.

Examples:

• Death Guard = Crust punk veterans who’ve been rotting since ’83, covered in rust and bile, but they never stop stomping.
• Orks = The entire cast of Mad Max 2 huffed miracle grow and started a mosh pit.
• Drukhari = Goth sadists who make Tim Burton look like a school librarian.
• Adeptus Mechanicus = Techno DJs who replaced their junk and emotions with USB ports.
• Imperial Guard = The Clash’s Combat Rock with mortars. Loads of ’em. Die like heroes. Or meatbags. Either way, glorious.

Choose what looks like it belongs on a punk/metal album cover or a nuclear battlefield mural you want to be a part of.

2. PAINTING TIPS FROM A PERSON WHO ACCIDENTALLY ATE NULN OIL

You don’t need Golden Daemon skills. You need VIBE. Here’s how:

• Contrast Paints = Speed + Chaos. Slop ’em on, let ’em pool. Boom. Depth. Done.
• Grime is your best friend. Rust, blood, bile, soot — it adds character. You’re not painting elves, you’re painting nightmares.
• Drybrush like you’re slapping a fat rat. Fast, loose, all edge. Works on everything from Nurglings <3<3<3 to tank treads.
• Basing? Glue coffee grounds and cat litter to a base, paint it brown, drybrush it bone. Instant warzone.
• Battle damage? Use a sponge or stab it with a toothpick dipped in silver. Looks like shrapnel, feels like revenge.

 Painting isn’t about perfection. It’s about attitude. If it looks like it just crawled out of a radioactive dive bar, you nailed it.

3. TACTICS: HOW TO WIN OR LOSE IN STYLE

Play with flare. Here’s DB’s guide to smashing face:

• Death Guard: Trudge forward, fart toxins, and dare your enemy to come closer. Tough, hard to kill, surprisingly polite.
• Orks: Speed and nonsense. Ram everything. More dakka. Then more.
• Eldar/Drukhari: Dance around, stab things in the back, vanish. Like a mugger at a rave.
• Tyranids: Swarm the board like ants on a dropped taco. No smart, just kill.
• Custodes: Big, gold, expensive — like luxury bodyguards for an intergalactic dictator. 

RULE #1: Always have a plan.
RULE #2: Set it on fire.
RULE #3: Never forget to bring SPITE to the battlefield.

FINAL DB-THOUGHT:

You’re not just building an army — you’re building a tiny violent theatre production. Name your characters. Give your tanks tattoos. Create lore that makes people uncomfortable.

And if some tournament nerd says,
“Technically, that’s not optimal,”
just scream “PAPA NURGLE LOVES ME MORE!” and start rolling dice.

Need help picking paint schemes, writing backstory, or naming your Daemon Prince? I’M HERE FOR IT.
Let’s make your army terrifying, beautiful, and DB as absolute hell.
-DB Spitzer