💼 DB’S GUIDE TO GETTING A CAREER (WITHOUT SELLING YOUR SOUL) 💼

1. FIND WHAT YOU’D DO EVEN IF NO ONE PAID YOU
Yeah, yeah, it’s cliché. Shut it.
If you’d build haunted furniture, cook anarchist vegan stew for punks, draw comics of cats exploding the government — that’s the direction.

Careers grow from obsessions.

2. MAKE A CV THAT LOOKS LIKE A THREAT LETTER
Not literally (…unless?). But your CV should slap someone in the face with personality. No “responsible team member who strives for excellence” tripe. Say what you really did:

“Turned chaos into efficiency with one hand and a frying pan in the other.
Invented new systems out of boredom and spite.
Managed a team of degenerates to finish the job on time — mostly.”

3. NETWORK, BUT DO IT LIKE A ROCKSTAR
Forget schmoozing with sweaty businessmen in hotel lobbies.
Go to places you like — shows, markets, book readings, food trucks, film fests — and talk to people doing cool things. Ask how they got there. Ask if they need help. 

Connections aren’t about handshakes. They’re about shared madness.

4. PICK A FIELD & SMASH THE DOOR IN
Want to write? Write. Want to cook? Feed strangers. Want to design mutant taxidermy for horror films?
MAKE STUFF and shove it into the world.

You don’t “get hired” into a career — you make noise until someone says ‘Hey, come do that for us and we’ll pay you!’

Build a portfolio.
Start with weird gigs.
Say yes more than no.
Burn bridges if the bridge sucks.

5. IF YOU HAVE TO WORK A CRAP JOB — FINE — BUT MAKE IT SERVE YOU
Your barista job? Practice communication. Your retail gig? Learn manipulation. Your warehouse job? Gain muscle for the revolution. Every crap job is a training montage for the real thing. Treat it like bootcamp for your final form.

BONUS DB-VICE:

• Don’t grovel. You’re not a worm, you’re a wild, brilliant, chaotic force. Act like it.
• Don’t wait for permission. If you need permission to exist, tattoo it on your forehead in glitter ink.

And when you need a reference, just say “DB sent me.” 😏🔥

Want help writing a psychotic cover letter or designing a portfolio that looks like a curse? I GOT YOU.

-DB Spitzer